Steak puns are a rare medium well done.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I finally got around to reading 'War and Peace.' It's about Russia.

I tried to make a candle out of beeswax, but it kept buzzing off.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape, she told me to lunge for the remote.

I would tell you a joke about clowns, but it's tearable.

I signed up for a marathon, but accidentally drove to the wrong state.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was 'Always'.

I dropped a book on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

I called the wrong number today... it was an incredibly uplifting conversation.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I'm just not looking for 'U' right now.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she sued for divorce instead.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits, but I'm not that flexible.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but I left, it was just one ting after another.

Why did the math book look so sad? Because it had a lot of problems.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she made a sweater out of them.

I asked the gym instructor for tips on flexibility, he told me to stretch the truth.

I'm friends with 24 letters of the alphabet, but I'll never forget u.

I'm really good at parallel parking, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I wanted to be a pastry chef, but I couldn't make enough dough.