I was going to tell a joke about construction, but it's still under construction.

I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it has its ups and downs.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by Shakespeare, but it doesn't write well – to be honest, it's pointless.

I'm convinced our family dog can do magic. Every time someone opens a bag of chips, he appears.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just collecting dust.

I would tell you a joke about socks, but it's too corny.

I tried to organize a hide and seek championship but it was a disaster. Good players are hard to find.

I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Why did the cauliflower refuse to play the field? It didn’t want to turnip.

I put my cat in the dryer to see how many lives he had left. Now I have a spinster.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I just ignore X and Z.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She applauded.

I used to play piano for mice, but they always squeaked for an encore.

I'm friends with three ocean periods. I'm tide with them.

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, but then I realized it would never end.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hung them on the fridge.

I finally got around to watching the ceiling. It was tops.

I used to play piano for fish, but they kept getting hooked on the music.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'.

A man sued an airline after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.