I asked my boss for a raise. He told me to start standing during my lunch breaks.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She wanted a commitment, but he couldn't handle the stakes.

I saw a clown juggling knives. I guess there's a fine line between entertainment and a crime scene.

I tried to join the procrastinators club, but they postponed the meeting.

I accidentally left my phone in airplane mode. Now it's in a better place.

I asked my friend why he carries a pencil in his pocket. He said, 'In case I make a point.'

I told my friends I'm reading a book on time travel. They haven't seen me for days.

I called a suicide hotline, but they put me on hold. It really killed the mood.

I asked the psychic if I would ever find true love. She said yes, but only if I stopped stalking my exes.

I tried to make a candle out of ear wax, but all I got was a 'waxy' scent.

I asked the bartender for a double shot of whiskey to drown my sorrows. He said, 'Sorry, we're out of sorrows. Would you like regret instead?'

I went to the doctor for a checkup. He told me I have an acute sense of humor. I asked if that was good. He said, 'No, it's terminal.'

I tried to donate blood, but they said my blood type was 'probably not recommended.'

I asked my therapist if my ex-wife was the root of all my problems. She said, 'No, but she's definitely a branch.'

I tried to schedule an appointment with Death, but he told me he's booked solid until I die.

I told my landlord the heating in my apartment wasn't working. Now I'm warming my hands over the burning lease agreement.

I joined a grieving support group, but I couldn't cry on cue. They kicked me out for not being a 'real' mourner.

I took up bird watching as a hobby. Turns out, birds are not fans of being watched. Who knew?

I tried to join a support group for procrastinators, but the meeting kept getting postponed.

I told my friend he should take up jogging to improve his health. Now he's chasing me with a knife.

I asked the psychic if she saw any money in my future. She said yes, but only if I give her all of mine first.