I heard that oxygen and magnesium were dating, and I thought, 'OMg!' But then I remembered they had a volatile relationship.

I tried to break up with my therapist, but she said we should talk about it next week.

I tried to make a joke about plants, but it was too corny.

I asked the devil for a favor, but he told me I had to sell my soul first. I told him my soul was worth at least a Lamborghini.

I went to a séance to talk to my dead relatives. Turns out, they needed closure on why I didn't visit them in their final days.

I asked the genie for a wish, but he told me I needed to rub him the right way first. Let's just say I'm still rubbing...

I told my therapist I have trouble expressing my emotions. He didn't say anything, he just handed me a bill for the session.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a ride, he said it'd be a short trip.

My therapist told me I have a fear of commitment. I haven't decided if I agree yet.

I wanted to be a butcher, but I couldn't cut it.

My ex-girlfriend told me she misses me... but her aim is getting better.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the graveyard? They woke up the next day.

I once had a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I told my friend I saw a ghost, he laughed until I showed him the funeral photos.

Why did the vampire get hired as a bartender? He always served neat drinks.

I'm great at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My friend couldn't pay back the loan I gave him. He's my withstanding friend now.

Why shouldn't you play hide and seek with mountains? They're always peaking.

I told the doctor I was hearing voices in my head. He told me I don't have a voicemail.

I asked the doctor to remove my funny bone. He didn't find it humorous.

My landlord asked if he could come in and talk about the high rent. I said, 'Sure, come on in.'