I told my wife she should prioritize self-care. So she took all my money and left me.

I asked my grandma why she carries a knife in her purse. She said, 'For protection... and peeling apples.'

I told my wife she should participate in a marathon. She declined, saying she's already running from her problems.

Why did the zombie go to school? He wanted a dead-ucation.

I asked my wife if she believes in ghosts. She said, 'No, but I've been haunted by your jokes.'

Why did the serial killer become a gardener? He wanted to bury his past.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my lack of sense of humor. He told me to quit my day job.

I asked the nurse if my blood type was A+. She said, 'Yes, but your personality is more like D-.'

Why did the baker go to therapy? To work on his kneadiness issues.

I told my wife she should try swimming with sharks for an adrenaline rush. She thought the idea was a bit fishy.

Why did the robber take a bath before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding at his job of scaring the crows away.

I told my wife she should try acting for a change. She said my marriage proposal was already a great act.

I asked the Grim Reaper for his autograph. He told me to sign here first.

I told my wife she should try skydiving to boost her confidence. She didn't jump at the idea.

I finally got over my phobia of speed bumps. It was a slow process.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the shooting range with me. She said 'I'm already a great shot, I've been taking aim at your heart.'

I asked the optometrist if I could see her later. She said, 'I don't see a future for us.'

I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, 'That's $200 an hour.'

I asked the doctor to take out my patience. He said it wasn't covered by my insurance.

I told the librarian I wanted a book on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'