I asked the skeleton if he wanted a snack. He said, 'No thanks, I'm bonely.'

Why did the physicist break up with his biologist girlfriend? They had no chemistry.

I told my mother-in-law that she should become a comedian. She said, 'I already have a job making people cry.'

I asked my doctor for advice on self-defense. He said, 'Just run faster than your attacker.'

I heard the devil challenged God to a tennis match. God said, 'You're going to Hell...serves you right.'

Why do skeletons love to play the piano? They have no organs to play with.

I told my wife she should keep her secrets like she keeps her plants. Buried deep in the backyard.

Why did the vampire get a job at the blood bank? He always had a positive attitude.

I asked my doctor for weight loss tips. He said, 'Just remove yourself from the situation.'

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was always raking it in.

I'm not a big fan of stairs. They're always up to something.

My friend couldn't afford to go to the fancy seafood restaurant, so I lent him a few clams.

Why did the skeleton refuse to go to the Halloween party? He had no body to go with.

Why did the killer break up with their girlfriend? They wanted a little more space.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger... then it hit me.

Watermelons are great to eat, but they can'talope.

Why did the ghost get hired as a bartender? He was good at boos-ing people up.

My girlfriend told me she needs space. So I locked her in a room with no windows.

I told my wife she should do cardio to keep her heart healthy. She filed for divorce.

Why was the burglar bad at math? He could never find the right angle.