Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I tried to start a career in origami, but it folded pretty quickly.

I brought a mirror to the park to reflect on my life choices. It shattered just like my dreams.

Why did the necrophiliac break up with his girlfriend? She was cold in bed.

Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.

I told my wife she should be more spontaneous. She packed her bags and left.

Why did the snail paint an 'S' on his car? So people would say, 'Look at that S-car-go!'

My Grandpa says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the boos.

I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only did I feel embarrassed, but it was also quite expensive.

What's black and white and red all over? A nun falling down the stairs.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the cemetery with me. She said she's dying to go.

Why do powder snowboarders always have good manners? They're always polite for the camera.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up.

I always take my wife's opinions into consideration. Especially if I disagree with them.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage, but apparently you can't take them to court.

I asked the coroner for his secret to a successful marriage. He said, 'Till death do us part.'

My doctor told me I'm allergic to peanuts. Good thing I'm not a squirrel.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, 'When did they start?'