I used to be a baker, but I couldn't raise enough dough.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

My wife left me because of my obsession with astrology. Oh well, my loss was the stars' gain.

I told my wife she should try and be more like a campfire. So now she's intense and constantly surrounded by guys.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said yes, all the others were nines or tens.

I went to a seafood restaurant and got food poisoning. I guess I'm just not a great catch.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She didn't take the suggestion well.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He kneaded the dough.

I found a bag of money on the street and decided to keep it. It was a grave mistake.

My wife asked me how I like my eggs in the morning. I replied, 'Unfertilized.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of being buried alive. She said she can help me deal with that in the future.

I take my dog to the vet every week. Not because he's sick, but because I'm training to become a veterinarian.

I told my wife she should try bungee jumping. She said, 'No need to push me off the ledge.'

I told my therapist about my addiction to break fluid. He said he could stop at any time.

Why do graveyards have fences? People are dying to get in.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He's all right now.