I'm still deciding whether diving is my strong suit.

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Too many issues.

I can't believe I got fired from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

What do you say to your single friend on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!

Why can't you trust an artist? They're all sketchy.

What do you call a broken escalator? Stairs.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.

The secret service isn't allowed to yell 'Get down!' anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell 'Donald, duck!'

Why couldn't the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus!

I tried to be a professional gardener, but I couldn't find bloom for advancement.

I asked my wife to pick up some baking supplies, but she didn't rise to the occasion.

I finally realized I had a coffee addiction when it got mugged.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she hugged me anyway.

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because it was crumby.

It's not appropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

I told my wife she should stretch before painting the ceiling. But she just rolls her eyes.

I hate negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

What do you call fake wood? Sham-wood.

I tell dad jokes, but I don't have kids. I'm a faux pa.

I used to have a job collecting leaves, but I was let go. They said I lacked commitment.

Why did the DNA go to the party? He heard they were making a pair of genes.